Noticing…

This last week's been an interesting one for me (as I'm sure it's been for all of you as well!)

I have noticed myself feeling this circling of thoughts running through my head…monkey brain is what I call it. 

It's like ALL the things in my life that I could or should be doing get tangled up on this loop.  

Without a clear structure to my day, it tends to become a lot of staying up late and sleeping in late. I'm not feeling pressured to get anything done, at the same time feeling the pressure of having all the time now that I complain about not having, and yet I'm not any more productive than if I have 1000 things on my list for the week. 

Apparently, I do work best under some pressure. 

I have learned that, especially when working from home, I need a lot less clutter. The more clean and tidy and free of stuff my environment is, the more I can quiet the monkey brain and get things done. 

Opposite of feeling bored, I feel overwhelmed. 

I feel like there are SO. MANY. DAMN. OPTIONS. that I don't even know where to start. And this overwhelm is not quite the one you would naturally think of. 

Opposite of feeling too many obligations, I have too many things I want to do.

I can't decide! Time is so precious! I don't want to waste it!

I can hardly understand what bored feels like anymore. I mean, I've felt it before so I can tap into that feeling, but there are just so many possibilities in life. And no, this is not a judgment to anyone who feels boredom. I hope they find the thing that excites them. 

I dunno. Maybe it's an only child thing.  It’s just me, myself and I.

Being a Projector in Human Design, I know that I have to find the things that light me up to keep filling my cup. So when I find myself going through the motions of just doing stuff for the sake of doing stuff...it feels draining. I need a focus.

From the outside, I'm sure it could look lazy, but I'm not. I just have to make sure something is really worth the time before getting into it because once I'm into it, it's like a rabbit hole…I have to see what's in there! And if I'm not sure, I still think doing nothing can be more productive than doing just for the sake of doing. 

My husband is very much a DO-er. He is the guy who rarely sits still (other than working on his graphic design work when he’s required to sit for long periods of time). He's got a list of things to do at all times…yard work, working on the house, surfing, backpacking, etc.) So I'd say he's another one who is never bored, but I think our feelings of doing are very different. 

Sometimes doing for me is spending an entire day just reading a book, ignoring the dishes and housework in favor of resting and having downtime. My husband, on the other hand, well, I have bought him probably two books in the 16 years we've been together, and he may have read three pages. He's just too busy for that…always go, go, go, do, do, do!  

Sometimes the pressure I feel when sitting in the same room with his energy confuses me, and I feel this pressure to get up and be productive as if that were a thing that you just did. Psht. Not for me. I have to decide to do the thing.  

Apparently, I have been this way my entire life. Just ask my mom. Or my 5th-grade teacher who had to negotiate with me for a good 45 minutes to get me in front of the class to read my book (I never did, by the way. I had decided that I could read it to 3 friends in her office with the windows shut and that was it. Negotiations over). 

What I'm noticing, because this post is about noticing, is that as I revert to this place where my schedule is not so locked down, I have more time to choose what I want to do and the time I want to do it.

I'm noticing I'm doing less of what I want to do because I lost all of my structure that anchors my week. My framework has just been blown up, and now I have to create a new one. 

Getting out of my PJs and getting showered and dressed, setting the alarm, and sticking to a routine makes me more productive. I recognize this pattern I'm in as it was one I experienced as a stay at home mom after working since the age of 15. 

So as I'm noticing it show up again, I get the chance to change it. I can choose to be all over the place with my time and tasks, or I can choose to keep a schedule and use this time at home to do all of the things that I want. And that can include days of reading books sprinkled throughout my days. 

What are you noticing about patterns and behaviors that are showing up for you if you're lucky enough to be able to work from home right now? And if you're having to leave the house and go to work still, what are you noticing about old patterns resurfacing?

Are you noticing changes in your habits? In your emotional responses? In your motivation? And if you are, what can you learn from that noticing? Where do you find yourself struggling, and where do you find more ease?